On my birthday, I decided to do an “about me.” So quaint, I thought. All these nice writers telling the 100 million average monthly readers about themselves in earnest tones. Why they are special. Why they write. Why we should read them.
Nope. Not me.
This is the ANTI version…
To the “wife”:
You probably won’t read this. You’ll be too wrapped up in your hatred and pain to acknowledge the part you played in your husband’s adultery.
I’m here to explain. Hear me out.
You won’t though.
“He’s no good.”
“I gave him the best years of…
You know it’s going to end in flames.
You know affairs have a shelf life. It’s a dead end. It won’t be pretty. Thinking anything otherwise is just foolish.
Here’s my advice:
The highs make the lows worthwhile. Live for those moments. The ones that you can recall just by…
I swear I don’t make this shit up.
Here’s how my adultery week is shaping up so far:
That’s not his real name, duh. That’s the dude from Friends. Matt LeBlanc played him if you have lived under a rock for the past 20 years.
He wanted to get together…
When do you know that line has been crossed?
You just do.
It’s a gut instinct. When a guy comes on too strong/too desperate.
“I can meet anytime Monday.”
“Let me see my schedule,” I texted.
“Just think about it. I can do Tuesday during the day.”
Ok, mister. I…
Why are readers are the only people I want to fall in love with? Because they use their imagination.
Imagination best used in between the sheets and in between the ears. A guy that I don’t have to think, “Did he get that?” reference. He did. And more. …
How do I weed through potential lovers? I can do it pretty efficiently now.
It’s gotten easier or the men have gotten stupider. Not sure which.
It’s actually just years of practice. It’s kind of like writing. I get a “feel” for what works in a sentence and the rhythm…
“So what do you think?” he said. “Is it an if or a when?”
“You know, not an if we get together again; just a matter of when?”
“Oh, when. Definitely, when.”
Those lovely four letters. Almost as good as the other four letters we eventually got to.
She tells it like it is.
I surprisingly LIKE her. I shouldn’t, I know. She’s everything I should loathe, but I am amused by her gumption. She would hate me, of course. I’m the embodiment of every evil a cheater can be.
I betray happily, I show no…
I wrote that on my OkCupid profile. Of course, my husband doesn’t know that I’m done with monogamy.
“Does ur husband know ur cheating?”
Oh yeah. That’s a great idea. Let me tell him. You are too stupid to fuck out of network.
“You know I’m CHEATING, duh?”