Member-only story
On that Hamster Wheel
Being conflicted on the daily
Do you ever go back and forth between wanting a divorce, and just accepting your situation?
Um, yeah.
I’m conflicted with this daily.
My hubby will do something nice for me and I’ll feel like, “Ok, this isn’t that bad.” I’m a wretch to be cheating on him ruthlessly.
Then, he’ll be nasty and condescending. “Why didn’t you just do it?” It could refer to anything, really. Pick a battle. We have wars, lost and won over a no man’s land of home turf.
I breathe a sigh and silently say, “No wonder I fucking cheat.”
My husband is insufferable when he drinks. He’s belligerent and loud and always right. But then, he gets “mean” drunk. Not nice.
That’s when I want to walk away and never come back.
He controls himself, for the most part. I’ve told him I’d leave if he hurt me. He keeps himself in line. I’m not abused. Still, I have to live with the fear of what will set him off.
Those are the days I wonder what it would be like to start over. Alone. Would he miss me? I doubt it. He’d be angry.
But sometimes, he’s great. Reliable. Takes care of me. Is a good dad. Volunteers and helps others. Model citizen.
